Big Data Wants Us To Move To Burlington

For gay reasons, not for coats.

You come to me, on the day of Beyoncé’s Renaissance concert movie premiere, and you ask me for Tabs? Okay! I journeyed to my local Alamo Drafthouse last night to attend a “rowdy screening” of the film—hooting and hollering very much allowed. We giggled our way through two different “mute” challenges and cried about Blue Ivy and Uncle Johnny. The movie is an astounding piece of work, foregrounding the people who made the concert possible as much as the brilliance of Beyoncé herself; a celebration of black artistry rather than a hagiography of one star.

Can you guess who made the trip to London to attend the film’s premiere? None other than Beyoncé’s girlboss-in-arms, Taylor Swift, along with her militant publicist, Tree Paine [previously in Tree Paine]. The premiere was a glamorous affair, but Tree Paine’s evening was soured by every publicist’s nemesis: DeuxMoi. At 4 AM London time, Paine took the notorious gossip blog to task from her personal account, calling them out for spreading matrimonial lies about Swift. DeuxMoi’s response was basically “Kim, there’s people that are dying.” 

The BeyHive is just vibing, but Swifties are experiencing a wide spectrum of emotions (what’s new). Earlier in the week, fans were convinced Swift was going to announce Reputation (Taylor’s Version) on Monday morning because of various clues she seemed to be leaving. Even the official Empire State Building Twitter account was dropping hints. But they were all of them deceived, because what Swift announced instead was that her Eras Tour movie will be streaming on her birthday. Taylor Swift is actually Jigsaw from Saw. Boo! 

While her fans were busy practicing numerology, Swift was racking up those Spotify streams like nobody’s business. Spotify named her their “Global Top Artist,” which isn’t surprising considering she has released or re-released SEVEN albums in the last three years. As a thank you to fans for being so unhinged, Swift released another “From The Vault” track. Do you think Tree Paine has the keys to the vault? Maybe Poot is in there

Taylor Swift may have won Spotify, but everyone else is sharing their mental health status with pretty infographics. It’s Spotify Wrapped season, and this year the company invented a new way to categorize its users as basic with a metric called “My Sound Town,” that purports to tell listeners what city most aligns with their music taste

For some reason, large swaths of people were assigned either Berkeley, Burlington, or Cambridge, and these towns all had something in common: homosexual listening practices. The Burlington girlies (gender neutral) are fond of sad lesbian music like boygenius and Big Thief, Cambridge is for the bisexuals who listen to Ethel Cain and Chappel Roan, and Berkeley is populated by gay men who listen to Charli XCX and Caroline Polachek. Is Spotify encouraging us to create gay communes based on which flavor of anti-depressies we’re taking? Does Big Data know something we don’t? Why does Spotify only pay their artists .003 per stream (at most)? Is Satan controlling the universe?

Sincerely, A Sanctimonious Apple Music User

bald ann dowd tweeted “the tl rn” above a picture of three teams from the Disney Channel games in color-coördinated green, red, and blue tracksuits labeled “burlington,” “berkeley,” and “cambridge” respectively.

There is a scene in Saltburn where one character slurps up the bathwater (and some bodily fluids) of another character, and that’s not even the most discoursèd element of the film. The Big Topic of the moment? Oh yeah, it’s class. Rosamund Pike spoke with Iana Murray of GQ about the film’s depiction of the ultra-rich. She criticized the British public’s understanding of class (including her own), noting that her grandparents were working-class and being an opera singer doesn’t mean you’re posh. Okay?

Director Emerald Fennel—whose father is British jewelry designer Theo Fennel and whose very posh 18th birthday was featured in the glamorous society magazine Tatlercalled the film a “lick the rich, suck the rich” movie, which is accurate if unsubtle. Though Fennel surely doesn’t need it, her fans on X are defending her against the haters, who denounce Fennel for—gasp!—making bad movies with reductive politics. Apparently, you’re only allowed to dislike a director if they’re literally a criminal. “Let rich white women make bad movies!” —Marie Antoinette, probably. “Saltburn sux” —Roger Ebert, if he were still alive. Is the discourse over yet?

You know who’s not over the discourse? Robert De Niro, who will keep railing against Trump for as long as he wants, goddammit. Earlier this week, Grandpa Bob took the stage at the Gotham Awards to deliver a speech about Killers of the Flower Moon. But when he got in front of the teleprompter, he discovered that all references to our cartoon villain president had been edited out. Though he was prepared to thank the Gotham Awards and Apple for making the film, he quickly rescinded his gratitude. “I don’t feel like thanking them at all for what they did,” he grumbled. “How dare they do that, actually.” You can’t stop an old man on a mission, as De Niro pulled out his phone to read his original remarks, which began, “Lying has become just another tool in the charlatan’s arsenal.” So true, bestie. De Niro is the exact opposite of your MAGA grandpa at Thanksgiving, and we need him to balance the scales. Let him cook.

Tumblr post by kiurit with a Killers of the Flower Moon production photo of De Niro and Scorsese looking like the most adorable couple of grampys, captioned “Gay Couple Finally Marry After 50 Years Together”

Barbenheimer feels like it happened eons ago at this point, but a good meme never truly dies. In fact, Variety revived it yesterday when they announced their much-awaited Actors on Actors lineup for 2023. Before the reveal, they teased us with another ye olde meme that everyone gone off that online juice immediately recognized. And lo did the prophecy come to pass, as Margot Robbie and Cillian Murphy were paired with one another for an already pre-iconic interview. The internet really did manifest this, because Cillian is wearing his best all-black Oppenheimer outfit and Margot is in Barbie pink. The rest of the lineup is good too, but this interview is so meme-coded that Variety should be paying us for the idea. “Ah, the proletariat, forever making profits for the bourgeoisie.” —Marx, when he heard about Barbenheimer.

Variety tweeted “ACTORS ON ACTORS LINEUP REVEAL TOMORROW” above the “black house next to pink and purple house” Barbenheimer meme.

As an act of radical vulnerability I’ll leave you with my most listened-to song of the year via APPLE MUSIC REPLAY. Surprise! It’s “Strong Enough” by boygenius (with 76 listens) because my brain is powered by a little gay mouse yelling “time to yearn!” at the top of every hour. I’m off to Burlington, I guess. 

Well I got Burlington too, so I guess Spotify has joined TikTok in the list of platforms that think I’m a lesbian. I couldn’t be more flattered. Intern Kira has been so utterly competent and reliable this month that I sometimes forgot she was supposed to be the Intern and not just a co-author. I can’t wait to see you in Burlington, Kira!

This is sadly the end of Intern Kira’s month on Tabs, but you, reader, may easily continue to enjoy her expert newslettering at Paging Dr. Lesbian. Subscribe right now so you don’t forget. Also infinite thanks to Mysterious Benefactor Ruth Ann Harnisch for funding our October and November Interns.

Happy People’s Friday and welcome to December: The Laziest Month. Have an open thread, my treat. And if you’re not a paid subscriber but would like to keep getting Friday Tabs, go ahead and “press” this “virtual button” with your tapping finger or computer mouse pointer:


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