Apoploe Vesrreaitais Means Birds

Please describe, in single words, only the good things that come into your mind about: your tabs.

Come in. Sit down. Please don’t move. Reaction time is a factor in this so please pay attention. Now answer as quickly as you can:

  • Your son’s plump wife is waging a food war. Your son’s plump wife is being judged harshly by her nasty sister-in-law, but all you say is you’re “all lucky to be thin?” Instead of helping your son’s plump wife, you’re locking up the cake for “special occasions.” You’re not helping. Why aren’t you helping?

They’re just tabs. In answer to your query, they’re written down for me. It’s a test, designed to provoke an emotional response. Shall we continue?

Just answer the questions please.

  • In single words, explain the following tweet to a person in 2002. Then 1952. Then 1902. Then 1852. Continue, going back as far as you can.

Yes, I said “apoploe vesrreaitais.” Please pay attention.

We’re almost finished. Just one more question.

Today in Cops

In Uvalde Texas, the local police and the school district police (????) are reportedly no longer cooperating with the Texas Department of Public Safety’s investigation into the elementary school shooting they passively observed for over an hour. The police chief in charge of Operation Wait and See was sworn into a term on the City Council yesterday in secret, “out of respect for the families having funerals this week for their loved ones lost in the shooting.” It doesn’t get much more respectful than holding government meetings in private, right?

Meanwhile in Missouri, one well regulated Militia carrying a rifle “in a sleeve underneath his shirt” left a grocery store and was confronted by a second well regulated Militia, who relieved the first well regulated Militia of his weapon. The first well regulated Militia went to his car and retrieved a different gun, which he used to shoot the second well regulated Militia, take his rifle back and then flee. “Moments later, police believe a third [well regulated Militia] came and shot the alleged [second well regulated Militia] again, then left.” Just as the Framers intended.

And speaking of framers, in El Segundo, CA a sleepy motorist having a nap in his car was surrounded by “K9 units, armored vehicles, drones, and crisis negotiators” because one paramedic “observed what he believed to be a handgun in the vehicle.“ The tactical clown squad hung around for two hours and then failed to prevent the suspicious napper from waking up and driving away in his absolutely regular-ass car. The same vehicle was later found parked in an alley, and contained “‘numerous power tools,”’ including a sawzall (an all-purpose electric hand saw) but no handgun.”

This Week in Elon” is finally coming back, “due to a period of extreme Elon activity,” writes tech journalism’s premiere Elontologist Liz Lopatto. Tired of being roasted by a mid-tier gaming humor website, today Elon roasted himself instead by sending out two petulant emails ordering Tesla workers back to the office. “If you don’t show up, we will assume you have resigned,” wrote the Boss Baby. Seems like a good idea.

Apparently Swedish people don’t feed guests. Sweden is posting through it. NATO membership may hang in the balance. Free to good home: local Minnesota newspaper. Owner must give it up to go fight Russians. Stop 👏 appropriating 👏 coastal 👏 grandmother 👏 culture 👏. And a custom casket painter in Texas “has donated his services to families of the Uvalde mass shooting victims.” There it is, again, that funny feeling.

Today’s Song: Joey Valence & Brae, “HOOLIGANG” (thx @falselogic!)

~ in honor of the revolution it’s half price at the tab ~

Some days I write for you, some days I write for myself. That’s just how it works. It’s too bad she won’t live. But then again, who does?

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