Spin the Wheel of Crab
Prosecutors from the Southern District of New York unsealed charges this morning against Sam Bankman-Fried which consist of one numbered banger of a paragraph after another, such as:
62. As Bankman-Fried acknowledged in a network television interview on or about December 1, 2022: “I wasn’t even trying, like, I wasn’t spending any time or effort trying to manage risk on FTX.” Bankman-Fried continued: “What happened, happened—and, if I had been spending an hour a day thinking about risk management on FTX, I don’t think that would have happened.”
112. In yet another televised interview during the Relevant Period, Bankman-Fried stated: “Mainly we were busy doing wire fraud. I love to do wire fraud, particularly when it violates Section 17(a) of the Securities Act of 1933 (“Securities Act”) [15 U.S.C. § 77q(a)]; and Section 10(b) of the Securities Exchange Act of 1934 (“Exchange Act”) [15 U.S.C. § 78j(b)], especially Rule 10b-5 thereunder [17 C.F.R. § 240.10b-5],” before continuing: “Yeah I guess I’d have to say the two things I love most are polyamorous living and wire fraud.”
In fact, according to Australian Financial Review, “FTX’s inner circle had a secret chat group called ‘Wirefraud’.” Taking notes on a criminal fucking conspiracy? This is why an education in the classics is so important. And big shout to Layah Heilpern for still, in the face of all this, managing to drop the dumbest post I saw today:
Bankman-Fried was arrested by Bahamian authorities just hours after telling Molly White that he didn’t think he’d be arrested, but that he hadn’t “done a, like, deep dive into that.” A “deep dive into that” is presumably now well underway. Bankman-Fried was scheduled to appear before the Congressional Committee on Financial Services today, and Forbes obtained an exclusive draft of his testimony, which would have begun:
If you don’t want to read the whole thing, Sarah Emerson and David Jeans have a rundown of all the greedy, self-dealing lawyers who are actually responsible for Bankman-Fried’s only mistake, which was agreeing to file for bankruptcy (twist!). In all other ways, he was just a starry eyed lad of thirty summers, with dreams as big as the great outdoors and a promising life ahead of him, and additionally, as previously noted, a little birthday boy with glasses.
Meanwhile the world’s wealthiest non-Frenchman Elon Musk has succeeded in driving former Twitter Trust & Safety Head Yoel Roth into hiding after “appear[ing] to endorse a tweet that baselessly accused Roth of being sympathetic to pedophilia.” Joining the list of people leaving Twitter are Ken “PopeHat” White, Darth, Dan Sinker, Platformer’s Casey Newton, who wrote an excellent memorial for what Twitter was and an equally excellent argument for leaving it now, and according to the Wall St. Journal’s Laura Forman, at least 85% of advertiser interest. For more timely updates on how great Twitter is going, please see Tabs Discord spinoff project Twitter is Going Great! dot com.
Don’t Taste the Rainbow 🌈
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Today in Crabs:
Spin the wheel of crabs! Round and round and round it goes, where it stops: is crab.
RIP BookForum. MIT developed an ultralight solar power generating Dyneema fabric. Notably for anyone who’s ever bought Dyneema gear, they characterize its power output in terms of watts per kilogram, not watts per dollar. “The Dril Archives: 10,000 of His finest Posts” is in print now, in four flavors (Refined, Beloved, Eternal, or Chaotic). Along with 21 other internet sickos, I told Embedded what my post of the year was for 2022. Said the Gramophone posted their 100 favorite songs of 2022 in what I would describe as the “smooth adult jams” genre. But there’s probably something in there you’ll like. And the first good Gonker story just dropped.
Today’s Song: ROSALÍA, “SAOKO”
~ you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, you better not move, you better not breathe, you better hope he doesn’t smell you ~
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