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Sam Bankman-Detained-Awaiting-Extradition
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Sam Bankman-Detained-Awaiting-Extradition

Spin the Wheel of Crab

Rusty Foster
Dec 13, 2022
26
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Sam Bankman-Detained-Awaiting-Extradition
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Prosecutors from the Southern District of New York unsealed charges this morning against Sam Bankman-Fried which consist of one numbered banger of a paragraph after another, such as:

62. As Bankman-Fried acknowledged in a network television interview on or about December 1, 2022: “I wasn’t even trying, like, I wasn’t spending any time or effort trying to manage risk on FTX.” Bankman-Fried continued: “What happened, happened—and, if I had been spending an hour a day thinking about risk management on FTX, I don’t think that would have happened.”

And:

112. In yet another televised interview during the Relevant Period, Bankman-Fried stated: “Mainly we were busy doing wire fraud. I love to do wire fraud, particularly when it violates Section 17(a) of the Securities Act of 1933 (“Securities Act”) [15 U.S.C. § 77q(a)]; and Section 10(b) of the Securities Exchange Act of 1934 (“Exchange Act”) [15 U.S.C. § 78j(b)], especially Rule 10b-5 thereunder [17 C.F.R. § 240.10b-5],” before continuing: “Yeah I guess I’d have to say the two things I love most are polyamorous living and wire fraud.”

In fact, according to Australian Financial Review, “FTX’s inner circle had a secret chat group called ‘Wirefraud’.” Taking notes on a criminal fucking conspiracy? This is why an education in the classics is so important. And big shout to Layah Heilpern for still, in the face of all this, managing to drop the dumbest post I saw today:

Twitter avatar for @LayahHeilpern
Layah Heilpern @LayahHeilpern
SBF getting arrested isn’t a good thing. He was meant to testify under oath before Congress today who would then charge him with a crime. Prosectors just saved SBF from incriminating himself. It’s all a joke and they’ve all been paid off.
9:23 AM ∙ Dec 13, 2022
7,796Likes1,017Retweets

Bankman-Fried was arrested by Bahamian authorities just hours after telling Molly White that he didn’t think he’d be arrested, but that he hadn’t “done a, like, deep dive into that.” A “deep dive into that” is presumably now well underway. Bankman-Fried was scheduled to appear before the Congressional Committee on Financial Services today, and Forbes obtained an exclusive draft of his testimony, which would have begun:

Screenshot of a document that reads: “Summary   I would like to start by formally stating, under oath:   I fucked up.   Furthermore, I’m just a little guy. I’m just a little guy with glasses. You wouldn’t jail a little guy with glasses, would you? On his birthday? Madam Speaker, Mr. Ranking Member, I’m just a little birthday boy with glasses, on his birthday, and all I can say is: c’mon. You wouldn’t regulate a little guy with glasses, especially on his birthday.”   Some of this is genuinely SBF’s planned testimony, and I am not telling you which part.

If you don’t want to read the whole thing, Sarah Emerson and David Jeans have a rundown of all the greedy, self-dealing lawyers who are actually responsible for Bankman-Fried’s only mistake, which was agreeing to file for bankruptcy (twist!). In all other ways, he was just a starry eyed lad of thirty summers, with dreams as big as the great outdoors and a promising life ahead of him, and additionally, as previously noted, a little birthday boy with glasses.

Twitter avatar for @molly0xFFF
Molly White @molly0xFFF
SBF interview bingo
A bingo card including the entries:
"to my memory..."
"before FTX had bank accounts"
"I don't want to speak for other people"
in response to a yes or no question: "so, a couple of things..."
"to my knowledge..."
"assets were treated as  fungible"
frantic clicking
"I'm needed in the Bahamas"
blames inability to travel on "paparazzi"
"I became less grounded"
"Alice and Bob"
"that was a fuckup on my part"
claims he had no view into Alameda operations
"we should have had more clarity"
"I have to hop off"
"I don't have access to the data"
"this is probably not a satisfying answer"
"I will give you an honest answer..."
"that was a failure on my part"
"okay, so three things..."
"I wish I could give a more confident answer"
repeating "yep" while listening to a question
gets heated at someone asking a tough question
"that's a good question..."
4:30 PM ∙ Dec 12, 2022
749Likes80Retweets

Meanwhile the world’s wealthiest non-Frenchman Elon Musk has succeeded in driving former Twitter Trust & Safety Head Yoel Roth into hiding after “appear[ing] to endorse a tweet that baselessly accused Roth of being sympathetic to pedophilia.” Joining the list of people leaving Twitter are Ken “PopeHat” White, Darth, Dan Sinker, Platformer’s Casey Newton, who wrote an excellent memorial for what Twitter was and an equally excellent argument for leaving it now, and according to the Wall St. Journal’s Laura Forman, at least 85% of advertiser interest. For more timely updates on how great Twitter is going, please see Tabs Discord spinoff project Twitter is Going Great! dot com.

Don’t Taste the Rainbow 🌈

HALMART ad that says, in Hallie Bateman’s characteristic scribble printing, “Don’t know what colors taste like? LET’S KEEP IT THAT WAY!” above an image of two white coffee mugs, one labeled “Paint Water” and the other labeled “not paint water.” Tabs readers get 20% off at www.halmart.shop with top-secret code “TABS.”

Tired of your artist friend showing up to game night with heavy metal poisoning because they took a swig of cadmium yellow again? These adorable mugs are too late for that friend, but a perfect gift for the next one! Shop smart, shop HAL⭐️MART. 20% off with top secret code “TABS,” void where prohibited, offer not valid in the distant past or the unforeseeable future.


Today in Crabs:

Twitter avatar for @jopabinia
Dr. Jo Wolfe @jopabinia
🦀Big #CRUSTMAS news!🦀 New preprint on a molecular phylogeny of true crabs. We find crabs moved to non-marine environments 5-15x over 100+ myr! This culminates 20 years(!) of effort from an international team! 1/5 biorxiv.org/content/10.110…
circular timetree of 344 true crabs, colored by superfamily and with line drawings of representatives around the circle
5:13 PM ∙ Dec 12, 2022
998Likes250Retweets

Spin the wheel of crabs! Round and round and round it goes, where it stops: is crab.

RIP BookForum. MIT developed an ultralight solar power generating Dyneema fabric. Notably for anyone who’s ever bought Dyneema gear, they characterize its power output in terms of watts per kilogram, not watts per dollar. “The Dril Archives: 10,000 of His finest Posts” is in print now, in four flavors (Refined, Beloved, Eternal, or Chaotic). Along with 21 other internet sickos, I told Embedded what my post of the year was for 2022. Said the Gramophone posted their 100 favorite songs of 2022 in what I would describe as the “smooth adult jams” genre. But there’s probably something in there you’ll like. And the first good Gonker story just dropped.

Twitter avatar for @joshcarlosjosh
JRR Ho Ho Hokien 🗡️🏹🪓 @joshcarlosjosh
You know Dasher and Dancer And Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid And Donner and Blitzen But they were all of them deceived for another reindeer was made
7:57 PM ∙ Dec 9, 2022
66,826Likes9,591Retweets

Today’s Song: ROSALÍA, “SAOKO”

~ you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, you better not move, you better not breathe, you better hope he doesn’t smell you ~

Today in Tabs is brought to you by the letter S, for subscribers. If you’re one, thank you! If you’re not yet, think about it bud.

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