Discover more from Today in Tabs
Bad News For Joe Biden
What if they made the whole newspaper out of the politics section?
Across the country yesterday, voters broadly affirmed the popularity of Democratic candidates and policies. Ohio added abortion rights to its constitution and also made it legal to spark up a Cincinnati fatty. Kentucky reëlected a popular Democratic governor in defiance of a right-wing campaign that explicitly tried to identify a vote for Beshear as a vote for trans rights. In Virginia, Democrats held the state senate and took control of the house of delegates. And Bucks County, PA threw all the fascist “Moms for Liberty” off its school board.
The War on Ham-mas
You Do Not “Gotta Ham It To Them”
Indeed, in a world where New York Times and Siena College polling shows Biden virtually tied with Donald Trump nationally among voters age 18 to 29, Kmart will pull its Christmas Ham Bag off of shelves after a complaint from the Australian Jewish Association.
In a statement to Today in Tabs a Biden administration spokesperson refused to comment on the New York Times and Siena College poll showing Biden trailing five points behind Trump in Michigan, but would only say: “Ham bag? Are you seriously in my office closet saying the words ‘ham bag’ to me right now? What is a ham bag? How did you even get in here?” Meanwhile, with Biden resolutely silent on the Wisconsin crosstabs, NASA just launched its NASA+ streaming service, which the space agency describes as:
…the desirable destination for inquisitive fans hoping to catch up with all the latest informative, entertainment offerings across the full space science spectrum.
NASA+ was formerly known as “HBO Max.”
Joe Biden might be number two in popularity among Arizona voters ages 18 to 64 according to New York Times and Siena College polling, but it’s a different number two that has Arizona Hot Springs closed until further notice: fecal bacteria contamination. This favorite destination of hikers in Lake Mead National Recreation Area stinks worse than Biden’s silence about the latest polls, and while nearby Lake Mead has recovered somewhat from recent historically low water levels, it is now suffering from historically low human remains levels.
Job well done (unlike Joe Biden).
You know who has a net positive approval rating? It’s not Joe Biden that’s for sure, although by his silence it’s unclear whether he’s even aware of the recent New York Times and Siena College poll showing this. It is, however, both Intern Kira and Barbra Streisand according to a poll I created just now where I asked myself: “Are Intern Kira and Barbra Streisand both dope?” and I answered “Hell yeah.” So that’s a one hundred percent approval rating times two, which is a two hundred percent approval rating.
Barbra Streisand is a woman who lives on a planet of her own making. We already know so many incredible facts about Babs: she cloned her beloved dog not once but twice, she has a ye-olde mall in her basement, she’s very particular about only showing her good side (not that there’s a bad one!), and she has a whole effect named after her. This celebrity memoirs season Britney Spears already spilled the tea about Justin (booooo!) in her wonderfully named book; now it’s time to hear from the queen diva herself.
Clearly, Barbra’s got stories to tell, as her long-awaited memoir runs an astounding 970 pages. The most succinct and delightfully Babsian story in the book involves the octogenarian’s divine authority over technology. As Babs tells the BBC's Mark Savage, she was annoyed that Siri always pronounced her name wrong. “My name isn’t spelled with a ‘Z’,” she explained. “It’s Strei-sand, like sand on the beach. How simple can you get?” She was so bothered, in fact, that she called up Apple CEO Tim Apple and told him to fix the problem ASAP. “And Tim Cook [sic] was so lovely. He had Siri change the pronunciation… I guess that’s one perk of fame,” Babs cooed.
I can’t stop thinking about this. Was Babs saying her name into her phone to see how Siri responded? Was she in her trophy room conversing with her iPad? Did she call Tim Apple from the frozen yogurt shop in her basement? Is anyone listening???
—Kira Deshler is Evergreen
My friend @business released a new podcast about Elon Musk, and I’m certainly in no position to criticize anyone else for skimming some easy content off of Elon’s endless cascade of nonsense. “The idea for this very show… came from Reyhan,” claims host David Papadopoulos in the credits, remorselessly throwing former Tabs editor Reyhan Harmanci under the bus. Joe Biden refused to comment.
Speaking of skimming off some easy content: in Wired, Vittoria Elliott wondered “Where the Hell Is X CEO Linda Yaccarino?” After her Code Conference fiasco in September, no one seems sure whether Linda is still teetering at the top of that glass cliff or not. And Ashlee Vance “made 10 trips to Neuralink’s facilities in Silicon Valley and its growing operations in Austin” and came back with an in-depth report that perhaps one day we’ll link to when we ask “how did we miss all the red flags?”
A series of thefts from the British Museum apparently began as early as 1993, while a series of thefts for the British Museum began in 1753. All of the National Zoo’s pandas return to China. “Why couldn’t they take Joe Biden instead?” wail nation’s 18 to 29 year olds. Hell Gate tried to find out what Eric Adams did when he learned his top fundraiser had been raided by the FBI, but was unable to break through the New York Mayor’s characteristic slaw of gibberish:
The mayor also shared that he would be in a state of disbelief if someone from his campaign was found to be breaking the law, though in the next breath, he said that he constantly has to remind the people around him to not do anything illegal.
"I would be shocked if someone states that our campaign coordinated in illegal behavior," the mayor said. "I just, I cannot tell you how much I start the day with telling my team, 'We gotta follow the law. Gotta follow the law.' Almost to the point that I'm annoying."
Today’s Song: Dom Valentino (ft. Alfie Templeman & Anna of the North), Young Folks
Music Intern Sam reports: “No NO CHILL this weekend because of baby stuff,” but he would have played this. So if you miss Sam tomorrow, just crank this song up and hit the airhorn a few times. Big shout to sasha from the subscriber discord who has been feeding me the best posts lately. If you’re not in the discord, here’s a button that will mail you an invite if you deposit at least $6 in it:
Subscribe to turn this into a happy checkmark button that affirms you’ve made good choices: