Wednesday News in Brief

All the news I could stand to fit.

If you only have six minutes of free time today, please watch this TikTok, and then this one, and go about your day a little happier, with my compliments.

If you’re still with me, here is all the news that matters today:

Paul Rudd is People’s new Sexiest Man Alive, having ritually killed and eaten 2020’s Sexiest Man Alive, Michael B. Jordan. What we do, we do for beauty.

The Verge updated their “on background” policy after getting jerked around by tech spokespeople too many times, citing examples such as:

• A big tech company PR person emailed us a link to the company’s own website “on background.”

• A food delivery company insisted on discussing the popularity of chicken wings on background…

• A major car company’s head of communications told us an April Fools’ joke was actually real on background. The joke was not real.

A source who would only speak to Tabs on deep background without attribution affirmed in a general way that tech company communications staff exist, and “go fuck themselves” is a thing that can be done by people.

Billie Eilish went on Sesame Street to sing “Happier Than Ever” with The Count, and it’s charming but unfortunately they cut the verse where she savagely roasts all the integers above two for being a shitty boyfriend.

The largest-ever study of hallucinogenic psilocybin mushrooms’ effectiveness in treating depression released some exciting results yesterday, according to Stat News: “[Compass Pathways] said it found that patients who were given the highest dose, 25 milligrams, realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we’re the imagination of ourselves.” Now here’s Sabrina Imbler with a Nature Minute.

Bees do not scream with their mouths, but with their bodies.

Ok! Joe Weisenthal has the business news:

Speaking of the Metaverse, Justin Bieber is the latest human/brand hybrid to announce he will enthusiastically hump the lifeless corpse of Mark Zuckerberg’s new bad idea to see if any money comes out.

Gastro-conservationists cheer as, after decades of over-harvesting and a disastrous population collapse, paella has been granted protected status.

Kids Korner: There was once a Roman Emperor named Pupienus Maximus. 🌈⭐️

In politics, Thielbilly protegé J.D. Vance’s Senate campaign is flailing and conservative historian Andrew Roberts got a Chotining like we haven’t seen in a while:

Let me ask you about speaking at this Springbok dinner, in 2001. [The Springbok Club is a group of white expatriates from southern Africa who openly mourn the loss of apartheid and fly the South African Apartheid flag at meetings. The group is closely associated with a number of white supremacists.] What exactly happened there?

No, no, no. I don’t remember that much about it…

Incredibly, it gets even worse.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar on Aaron Rogers: “If he ever requires open-heart surgery will he hand the scalpel to romance writers because they know about matters of the heart?” Did you know what a good blogger Kareem is? QAnon has made it to New Zealand. I apologize to the Hobbits on behalf of my terrible country. But Chief Hobbit Peter Jackson probably doesn’t care, since he just sold the tech and dev team from his special effects company to Unity for $1.6 billion. Who could have watched “Bad Taste” or “Meet the Feebles” and not foreseen that this guy would be a billionaire. Craig Jenkins on Travis Scott and Astroworld: “I don’t expect quick answers to these questions. Instead, we’ll probably have awful conversations about violence in hip-hop culture.” Ernie Smith: ”10 Image File Formats That Didn’t Make It.” Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] VRML, VRML, VRML!

And finally, on the lighter side: have you ever wondered exactly how rich the rich really are? Well these crazy kids hired the Speaker of the United States House of Representatives to officiate at their wedding, an intime four-day affair that “kicked off with a British Invasion Mod Party at The Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco” and culminated in a San Francisco City Hall where “the entire rotunda [was carpeted]… with bright teal and pink Persian rugs, completely transforming the space.” Joseph-Ignace Guillo-who am I right? Best to the happy couple in their life together smashing up things and creatures and then retreating back into their money or their vast carelessness or whatever it is that keeps them together, and letting other people clean up the mess they make! 💍💒🎊🍾

Today’s Song: It’s November, it’s rainy, and it’s cold. So of course today’s song has to be Guns N’ Roses classic “Don’t Cry.”

~ When I'm away from you, I'm tabbier than ever ~

Wish I could explain it better. I wish it wasn’t true.