A MasterClass in WTF
The triumphantly terrible return of the Take Tree, and Genesis Woofs.
I thought I knew what MasterClass was from all the podcast ads, but Hillary Clinton is doing a MasterClass on “The Power of Resilience” and started it by reading the Presidential victory speech she never got to deliver, so I guess it’s actually just an expensive Cameo commissioned by the “Literally nobody” meme. Sarah Jones has questions, as do I, so maybe the company can offer a MasterClass on “What the Fuck?” If so, the syllabus should also include explanations of the following:
Mack Lamoureux from Vice reports that a Canadian anti-vaxer who was previously “arrested in Edmonton during a protest he organized at a Build-a-Bear Workshop” is promoting anti-vax NFTs called “Freedom Woofs.” Here is the Kobe Bryant Freedom Woof. “In addition to that, we have 77 Genesis Woofs.”
Quibi CEO, lifelong failure, and actual Republican Meg Whitman has been named Ambassador to Kenya.
“Dozens of camels barred from Saudi ‘beauty’ contest over Botox.”
This year, authorities discovered dozens of breeders had stretched out the lips and noses of camels, used hormones to boost the beasts’ muscles, injected camels’ heads and lips with Botox to make them bigger, inflated body parts with rubber bands, and used fillers to relax their faces.
“Genesis Woofs.” That’s a phrase I just had to type into this editor. Genesis. Woofs. “In December, we will be giving away a Mystic Key that will unlock one of these Genesis Woofs,” said the leader of the Build-A-Bear Revolutionary Front.
Kickstarter plans to set its credibilityon fire to build a cryptocurrency version of Kickstarter that will be open source and vastly superior to the existing Kickstarter if you need to raise money for doing crime. Otherwise it will suck.
An “AI surveillance company” designed an imaginary $50,000 camper insert for the imaginary Tesla Cybertruck, and Insider covered it absolutely straight, as though any of these crappy composite image mockups depicts a real thing in any way. Why don’t they just sell an NFT of this press release? It would save everyone a lot of trouble.
Today in Today in Polly: Advice genius and Ask Polly creator Heather Havrilesky and I write a monthly-ish competitive advice column for Tabs subscribers, called Today in Polly. I have just unlocked the first, second and third installments for everyone, because (a) they’re very good, and (b) we want you to send us more questions! If there’s a life challenge you’re wrestling with, send me an email with your question and put “Advice” in the subject line, and subscribe to get fresh Todays in Polly as soon as they arrive. No question is too small, and no subscription payment is too large.
The Take Tree has been on hiatus since January for no particular reason but it’s back today, and its taste in Takes has not improved.
We’ve been through a lot in this newsletter, so take a moment to enjoy The Everywhereist’s review of “The Worst Michelin Starred Restaurant, Ever.” I know I hit you with many links every day but please believe me when I say: read this one. Everything else is optional, but this one is not.
We sat through a few more courses including a marshmallow flavored like cuttlefish, and a dish called “frozen air” which literally melted before you could eat it, which felt like a goddamn metaphor for the night.
It’s @business Time: Tabs made the Businessweek Jealousy List alongside a lot of actually good stories from real reporters who probably had to do things like “leave the house” and “talk to someone.” Lol, suckers. Thanks Janet Paskin!
Andrew Yang met a robot that “fully replaces a person” for $55,000. I cannot emphasize enough how much Andrew Yang sucks. “Event Planner Working on Bob Dole’s Funeral Is Let Go” because he was also the “stage manager” for the Jan. 6th Capitol riot and Mitch McConnell thought it would be awkward having him back at the scene of the crime. Lest you think only Insider is susceptible to printing corporate PR, here’s the New York Times covering a “metaverse wedding” between two people who work for the company that owns the VR platform they got married in, and which “offered to remake [its] cloud campus into a wedding venue, free of charge. (Ms. Gagnon estimated that it would have cost around $30,000 had they paid for it…).” That company, of course, is called: “Second Life.” And Capitol rioter Jenna Ryan is headed to prison for two months, and looking forward to being “able to work out a lot and do a lot of yoga and detox.”
In conclusion: Genesis Woofs.
Today’s Song: Phil Collins, “In the Air Tonight”
~ genesis woofs ~
Phil Collins was the original Genesis Woof. The Take Tree is by Senior Contributing Editor for Graphics Alison Headley. Someone should remind me to do a Take Tree once in a while, since I can apparently flake on it for a whole year. Yesterday is a memory, tomorrow is a dream, but @fka_tabs is forever.
Such as it is.